February 2, 2023
Parents and married children have special relationships with one another. They are supposed to be good friends. That means they should always be honest with each other and support each other in times of trouble. Parents and married children should never argue. Arguments destroy families and marriages.
A parent-child relationship is sacred. As the Bible so perfectly puts it, (Psalm 127:3) “children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward”. But relationships are difficult. And the ones between parents and married children can be even more so.
One such scenario involves an estranged son and daughter-in-law. In this case, the son and daughter-in-law have “moved out” from the family. They are living their life on their own without contact with one or both sets of parents. They are not talking to the parents, and the parents do not know what to do. This can lead to problems for the family.
It can also lead to feelings of depression and sadness for both the parent and the estranged child/children.
We all want to have the best possible relationships with our children following their leaving the nest. We still feel obligated to help them to grow into better people. We want to encourage them during their lulls and congratulate them on their successes. We simply want to continue to be a part of their life.
Dealing with an estranged child following marriage is a heartbreaking problem and one that isn’t easy to fix.
Below, we outline some steps you can take to help you deal with this difficult situation.
First, determine where it went wrong. Delve into the past, pray for clarity, and find where the problems started.
As difficult as it might be, it could be that you made an error. Maybe you were a bit too controlling after the start of the marriage or made comments that made your daughter-in-law, who was still trying to find her place, feel insecure.
Self-reflect and be brutally honest about where things might have gone wrong, and whether or not it was your fault. Think back to when things started going wrong. Were there signs that should have indicated that you were headed toward a problem?
Sometimes, people don’t realize that they have been doing something wrong until they find out about the problem. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack; once you have found it, the rest is easy.
Next, establish contact with your son. If you have found the origin of the problem during your self-reflection and prayer, then let them know you would like to fix the issue.
If you didn’t figure out where the problem started, then talk to your son and ask where it went wrong.
Talking to your son about the problem can help you to solve it. It’s possible that you didn’t understand where the problem started. If that’s the case, then ask your son if you missed anything.
Ask him or her to explain it to you. Let him explain what happened and how he feels. Listen to his feelings and listen to what happened. There might be several reasons why the situation occurred.
During this process, it’s important only to listen. Be patient and listen carefully. Hear out his concerns and listen to criticism without getting upset or angry.. It is important not to judge him or get angry.
Make sure to keep your emotions in check while your son is speaking. If you are angry, this will be shown in your facial expression. This can cause your son to feel uncomfortable and not speak freely.
Also, keep in mind that your son will most likely be happy to know that you care enough about his marriage that you want to correct the situation.
Your next step is to be considerate. As the parent, you have the authority and responsibility to protect your son and his family. It is also your job to be considerate of your daughter-in-law and her role in your family. You need to protect them both and respect them both. You must be loving and understanding.
The best way to set things right is to be honest and straightforward. Don’t make your son or daughter-in-law feel guilty about the way they treated you. This is not a “woe me” scenario, nor a time to “get even”. Let them know how you feel – your love for them both and your respect for their marriage.
To reiterate, be considerate of them. Tell them what you would like to change. Ask for forgiveness. This will show them that you are willing to forgive. If they don’t respond to your efforts, try again. Eventually, they will most likely understand your efforts and feelings. They will appreciate your actions.
If your son or daughter-in-law are the ones in the wrong, it is important to forgive them as your loved ones if you want a positive relationship.
If you don’t forgive and continue to hold a grudge or resentment (or act as if you forgive but needle them in the future for their transgression), it will ruin any potential of a future positive relationship. Remember, the Lord’s prayer where we ask God to “forgive us of our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.
If they are open to trying to rebuild the relationship, it’s important to rebuild the trust between both parties. Remember:
If they decide to pull away completely or don’t want to talk about the problem, respect their boundaries.
Letting loved ones go can be especially difficult to deal with. After all, you’ve had a relationship with your son since his birth, but sometimes you must realize that the situation isn’t going to change, even if you’ve tried.
Because you still care for your son, remember that they are a person, and you’re not supposed to force them to be the way you want them to be.
It is very important that you respect your son and daughter-in-law’s boundaries. Sometimes people just don’t like you. They don’t want to be around you. They may think that you’re too needy and too controlling.
You shouldn’t act like you own your son and daughter-in-law and make them do things that they don’t want to do. You can’t force others to like you. You can, however, offer yourself in a way that shows your caring side. You can tell them that you understand that they have to do what they think is right for them.
You must respect their privacy when they decide to cut off contact with you. Keep in mind that you can’t control the people around you, but you can control how you handle things in your life. But do let them know that you’ll always be there for them.
As hard as it might seem, sometimes all people need is time when a situation has turned badly. Put your faith in God and trust that He is doing this with reason.
Your son loves his wife and, as an adult, is looking to create his own family. Sometimes this path will take him away from you for a little while but trust that God will bring him back to you.
Parent-child relationships become more complicated the older the children get. It’s especially tricky when they start to fall in love, but this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed to end.
Parent-child relationships are important to every family. Parents and children have a natural bond. They are usually very close to each other. In many cases, it isn’t easy to have a parent-child relationship once the child marries.
Also, the closer the tie between the parent and child prior to the child’s marriage, the harder it is for the parent to let go. You can avoid problems with your son or daughter-in-law if you follow the right steps.
The first thing you should do is to trust your son and daughter-in-law. Trusting your children makes them feel loved. When you trust someone, you are letting them know that you believe in them.
You don’t have to be afraid to share your feelings with your children. You can tell them how you feel about your mistakes in life. You must trust them. This will give your son or daughter the courage to trust you back. When you trust your child, you will feel more secure and can offer your son or daughter-in-law the emotional support that he or she needs.
Trust in God, trust your son, provide support, and use the above tips to keep your relationship happy, loving, and thriving.
I’m Lori Stith, The Stoicess
Your Christian Life Coach
AND I believe in YOU!
If you like what you mentally, now see, join my website to learn and think like me at StoicMatchmaker.com.
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