Category: Dating - Stoic Matchmaker

Being Interrupted Being Interrupted

Being Interrupted

You’re telling a story or commenting on an idea shared by another. But the microphone is quickly snatched from you by that intervener, that interrupter, who butts right in, cuts you off, and takes center stage. It’s as if you don’t exist, have nothing worth saying, or lack common sense. You’re exasperated, ticked, and want to jump back in and cut them off – an eye for an eye as the adage goes.

However, your training with the Stociess has taught you to take this moment as a reminder to hush, open your ears and mind, and close your trap. You realize nobody’s perfect, and you know you’ve gotten caught up in telling your story which is why you want to jump in and add your two cents.

Because it’s times like these you learn the most about others as well as yourself. You watch intently how the audience responds to the interruption. Do they seem to care? Or does the conversation continue forward without any break? And for the interrupter, do they appear to even know what they’ve done? Was the action intentional or a mere habit of theirs? By considering these questions, such interruptions allow you to learn about others – those listening as well as speaking.

You also learn more about yourself and improve your ability to throttle your emotions when an unplanned adversary arises.
So like sitting in a theatre, you remain calm, watch the theatrics unfold, keep an open mind, and HUSH.

Now using My S-T-O-I-C STORYTELLING method:

(S) My partner always interrupts my story and doesn’t let me finish what I have to say, what should I do?
(T) Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing one another in love.” Apostle Paul
(O) I decided to let them finish the story.
(I) I realized that they needed to feel a part of the story.
(C) The character trait I improved was being unmoved by another’s interruption.

 

The Stoicess’ Secret?

Interruptions are a reminder to listen and learn about them and you.

The Reality of Commitment Phobia The Reality of Commitment Phobia

The Reality of Commitment Phobia

The Reality of Commitment Phobia?

Gamophobia is the proper term for someone with a fear of commitment. “Gamos” comes from the Greek word for “marriage”, while “phobos” means “fear”. 

People who have commitment anxiety find it difficult to form lasting intimate relationships. Even in a relationship, someone with gamophobia could encounter anxiety or worry about the relationship ending, even when there is no supporting evidence. 

Many with this phobia tend to push people away or end a relationship abruptly in order to not be the wrong side of a breakup. 

 

Causes of Gamophobia

The fear of abandonment or problems with trust can have roots in several different life experiences. 

 

Family History

If you grew up with a family member who had gamophobia then it’s possible for you to adopt their perspective and lead you to develop the same fear. 

 

Divorce

Children who see their parents go through divorce can develop their own fear of commitment because they believe they will go through the same experience. 

 

A Bad Breakup

If you’ve experienced the hurt of a bad breakup or divorce, you may decide to forego relationships for a while. Over time though, this can lead to an irrational fear if you don’t put yourself in the dating scene again. 

 

How to Overcome a Fear of Commitment

Gamophobia can be a scary thing, but it can be overcome. Many who suffer from this anxiety find resolution through replacing negative perceptions of relationships or marriage with positive ones. 

How we perceive relationship experiences can have a major impact on what we think about future relationships and dwelling on the negative can create the fear that a healthy relationship isn’t an option. 

Talking with a professional can lead to such a change of mind and help you understand why you’re experiencing the anxiety.

Winning the One I Want Winning the One I Want

Winning the One I Want

Ever watch others trying to win someone – that prize everyone wants? They chatter constantly like a squawking bird, trying to keep the prize’s attention by being longer and louder than others. But the others don’t give up. They dive in when a breath is taken. And the poor soul being twirled around, the Prize, has the look of a child watching an Alice in Wonderland® adventure.

For you, you sit back and watch the adventure in silence. You pay attention to the information exchanged while learning what the prize appears to like. Because you know that by not speaking, it creates a fascination in the prize’s mind. The prize wants to know if you’re smart, caring, and what’s going on in that noggin of yours.

And when asked a question by the prize, you speak confidently, straightforwardly, and make it short. Your words are like a song to their ears, touching on their pain points, their love points, their excitement points. It’s from the knowledge you gleaned from watching the earlier adventure.

So now, you are wanted. The powerplay has changed hands. You become Their Prize and have the power to decide if a relationship between the two of you will develop.

 

Now using My S-T-O-I-C STORYTELLING method:


(S) How can I work more effectively to win the one I want when so many others are competing?
(T) “Let silence be your goal for the most part; say only what is necessary, and be brief about it.” Epictetus
“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” Book of Proverbs
(O) I remained silent and watched the adventure unfold.
(I) I realized that by remaining silent, knowledge can be gained.
(C) The character trait I improved was being a good listener.

 

The Stoicess’ Secret?

When the birds are squawking, remain silent and listen to their talking.

Small Ways to Impress Her on the First Date Small Ways to Impress Her on the First Date

Small Ways to Impress Her on the First Date

Small Ways to Impress Her on the First Date

Ah, the first date. Butterflies, good food, and great conversation—if you can coordinate it. First dates can be stressful, but if you plan the details, you may not only have a good time but impress them so much they have to go out with you again. Here are small ways to impress her on a first date

 

Dress Sharp

There is no denying that looking sharp is an important aspect of a first date that conjures an attractive impression. Wearing cologne, a shave, a fresh haircut, and sporting a nice dress shirt and slacks or jeans (if that’s your thing) can go a long way. A man who takes care of himself is not just noticeable, but appealing. 

 

Interesting Conversation

Once you’ve got her attention, make sure you keep it. Sometimes it can be hard to open up on a first date, but that’s exactly what you should do. Lead the conversation by asking intuitive questions that she might have briefly mentioned prior to the meeting. She’ll notice that you remembered and that’s important because it shows that you listen and care. Don’t stop there though. Tell her something interesting and new about yourself that you may not have mentioned before. This will keep her on her toes and also show you opening up. 

 

Roses? Maybe, But Don’t Stop There

 

Roses are a great way to show that you’ve been thinking about her prior to the actual date. That’s the message you want to get across to her, but take it to the next level. Open doors for her, help her with her seat, and let her order first when you’re about to eat. The roses are a nice touch, but the rest will let her know that she’s special in your eyes. 


No matter where you go or what you do on your date, it’s not difficult to impress the lady on your arm when you try. Even if it’s not a match, your efforts will let her know that you’re kind and considerate, and that will be more than plenty of the competition.

When Another Cannot Outdo You When Another Cannot Outdo You

When Another Cannot Outdo You

They were one of your closest friends. At least up to yesterday.
While you were in the coffee shop together having brunch, a beautiful suitor you both have been eyeing from afar stopped over and chatted a bit.  After leaving, you both knew you were being considered for a date. However, you each acted as if nothing happened.

Today, you stopped back by the coffee shop for a quick cup to go. The suitor was there but barely noticed your existence. You took a bold approach and asked how they were doing, but the response was shocking. The suitor said your friend from yesterday told things about you last night that were discomforting and any interest that may have been between you two was gone. Being at a loss for words, you shake your head and leave the shop. As you walk on the sidewalk, you’re hurt, confused, and angry.

For you, when facing similar events, you quickly realize degrading comments like these are simply a powerplay. It’s someone lashing out and undermining you because of fear you may outperform them. Most times it’s because the person is not happy with themselves and is jealous of you, so the only way they know how to compete, is to cut you down. And although you may want to jump into the mud pit with them and give it back, you take no pride in knowing there will be an audience watching to see how this is going to play out.

So instead, you remain silent and watchful – being patient while the fairness process works its way forward. Because you know the truth will be brought to light with time.

Now using My S-T-O-I-C STORYTELLING method:

(S) How do I deal with someone who degrades me when they cannot outdo me?
(T) “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.” Apostle Paul
(O) I decided not to worry about what the other person was doing.
(I) I realized that I’m not in competition with them and that I’m competing in being a better me.
(C) The character trait that I improved was treating others the way that I would want to be treated.

The Stoicess’ Secret:

When degraded by another, time is your best friend to bring truth about the other.

 

4 Questions to Ask Before Dating Someone with Kids 4 Questions to Ask Before Dating Someone with Kids

4 Questions to Ask Before Dating Someone with Kids

4 Questions to Ask Before Dating Someone with Kids

 

Kids can be a lot of fun, even if you’re not completely a kid person. However, if you’re thinking about dating someone who has kids, there are plenty of things to consider beforehand. Take these 5 questions to heart and have a healthy conversation before getting too involved. 

 

How Often Will You See Them?

 

Dating someone with kids can be hard and your time with your new steady will be shared with their children. While you’ll want to give them the time they need to be with their parent, it shouldn’t mean that you only see your significant other when it happens to work out. If things go well, you’ll be around all the time just like their kids and that means you’ll want to get everyone accustomed to you being in the picture. However, you should have a conversation with your partner about how much time you’ll be seeing each other so that you’re both on the same page. 

 

Are You Okay with Being Spontaneous?

Life with kids means that you’ll be running around a good portion of the time for different venues, whether outings with their friends, sports games, and more. Having a good amount of patience and being flexible will help you get in their good graces. 

 

Are the Parents On Good Terms Now?

If the previous marriage ended with bitterness, resentment, and anger then you’re stepping into a bad scenario. The other parent could try to interfere with your dating as a way to force a breakup. Think of last-minute changes for childcare, or worse, they affect how the children view you. 

 

Are You Ready for the Responsibility?

Dating someone with kids ultimately means that you’ll have a role in rearing them. What will those responsibilities look like? How can you help shape them into a fully functioning adult, much less a person of character? No doubt, this will take time and patience. If you’re up to the challenge, then it could be the beautiful beginning of a great friendship. 

 

The good news about dating someone who already has kids is that you’re not alone in any of these matters. With your significant other, you can be a part of their lives as you date. You’ll know eventually if they are the person you want to journey through life with permanently. 

Negative Aspects of Online Dating Negative Aspects of Online Dating

Negative Aspects of Online Dating

Online dating has become much more popular over the years. While finding potential dating partners is the bait that brings people to these sites in droves, sometimes it’s not everything people want or even expect. Here are several cautions to the online dating scene that you should consider before signing up. 

 

Shallow Experience

Online dating can be a shallow experience. In most instances, you’re chatting with someone you don’t know and trying to determine whether this person could be a potential match. This is difficult to do with a cyber wall between you. With the potential for misinterpreted messages and not knowing if your intended joke achieved the expected outcome, there is a lot to be desired. Some platforms may allow you to video chat, which has its own set of issues. There can be that unexpected awkwardness associated with meeting someone new and if you’re not a conversation linguist, then it can be an intimidating situation. 

 

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Online dating can be rife with fake profiles and scammers impersonating someone looking for a date. The end goal for them is always the same: to siphon cash from their unsuspecting target. Romance scammers use a variety of excuses as to why they need money including to pay for surgery, travel expenses, and more to tug at your heartstrings. 

 

If you think you’re being targeted by a scammer, it’s best to stop chatting with that person immediately and report any suspicious activity to the dating site. 

 

Additionally, sometimes you may have a great conversation over the course of several days or weeks and actually land a real-life, in-person date. Congratulations! However, the person who shows up on the date may look very different than their photos. While you could ask for a recent selfie from someone before meeting, you don’t want to infringe on their privacy. This can be a thin line, but if you do request a recent photo, be sure to explain your reasoning behind it. Also, be sure to provide your own if you’re so inclined. 

 

Different Motives

There are many reasons why someone may create a profile on a dating site. Other than scammers, some people may simply want entertainment, while others want to find dates. Dating sites must be mined for the people who genuinely want to go out and have a traditional date. 

 

Dating Takes More Time

Online dating may get you an instant conversation with a potential date, but it could be days or weeks before you meet the person on the other end of the chat… if you meet them at all. Chatting has its own set of challenges and a genuine person on the other end will have the same concerns about the legitimacy of who you are that you do about them. It will take time to build trust and chemistry. So relax, enjoy the conversation, and don’t rush the process. 

 

Conclusion

Modern online dating involves a lot of work and finding a real date can take a lot of time. If you’ve got the patience and don’t mind creating a well-crafted profile description with great pictures, then you might enjoy a real date from Internet Land. 

Overcoming Codependency Overcoming Codependency

Overcoming Codependency

Overcoming Codependency

“I can only be happy if you’re happy”, they say to their partner. “But I can’t stand to you see fail because you have so much potential”, they continue. “I’m going to be here and help you be that rising star.”

Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve heard a friend say these words to a significant other in their life.
You think to yourself, “Are they the giver in the relationship awaiting some miracle for their partner to spread their wings?”

You realize the problem is that their significant other may not want to put in the work necessary to succeed. So, in turn, your friend’s significant other depends on your friend to do all the work for them. Your friend thinks they’re helping their significant other by overstepping their role of taking care of them, but as the significant other’s dependency increases on the friend, the friend’s dependency to see them succeed at any cost becomes overly burdensome. As you watch, you see the relationship becomes unhealthy – ultimately failing – because the friend gave themselves to this cancer.

And for you, you try never to let your emotions become the result of what you think another person can accomplish in your relationship. You realize they are not your Barbie Doll… or Ken Doll … to dress them in your imagination for their success. You do not try to fix them

Instead, you offer tough love.  If your help is wanted to achieve success, then constructive criticism is what you give. And when you perceive your partner is missing the mark, you’ll give correction accordingly. But it’s their effort, their goal, their wings – not yours. A supporter you shall be; A caregiver Never!

Now using My S-T-O-I-C STORYTELLING method:


(S) How do I control my codependency?
(T) “For when I am powerless, it is then that I am strong.” Apostle Paul
(O) I decided to concentrate on making myself independent from my partner’s ability to succeed.
(I) I realized our codependency was not only harming me but my partner as well.
(C) The character trait I improved was remaining supportive but not controlling.

 

The Stoicess’ Secret:


Your independence is based on your partner’s dependency on themselves.

Positive Aspects of Online Dating Positive Aspects of Online Dating

Positive Aspects of Online Dating

Positive Aspects of Online Dating

Online dating is now a normal part of life and provides many benefits that were previously unavailable to many. It has some drawbacks, but the positives far outweigh them. Here are some of the most positive aspects that online dating brings:

Accessibility

Before online dating, people searched for partners through some common ground. This included school, church, work, friends, and the occasional odd connection. Few people went out of their comfort zones to meet people they were interested in, even if they desired it. Online dating breaks those barriers by providing an avenue for people to meet even those that have no prior connections with them.

The Ability To Match

Matching is another concept that benefits many in online dating. Instead of second-guessing yourself, the app or website can help match by comparing interests, matching religions, etc. Other than that, the interested parties can notify the other if they’re interested, removing the need to tiptoe around the dating subject. It helps find compatibility even before the first conversation begins.

It also helps weed out aspects that you may not desire. For example, if you find that one of their interests will oppose your own, it’s better to avoid the awkward conversation.

It’s Convenient

Online dating can now happen anytime and anywhere. You can search for a potential date in the comfort of your home or during break time at work. Convenience means that people are more likely to find dates. It also opens the door for more people to try dating without needing to announce to their circle of friends that they are doing it.

Apart from that, most of these apps and platforms are now making it easy for users to navigate. Even those who have minimal technological savvy can benefit from them.

Conclusion

We cannot deny that online dating has brought in many positives that weren’t present before. It still takes some effort to find the right partner, but the benefits of online dating definitely don’t hurt.

Beautiful Swans from Ugly Ducklings Beautiful Swans from Ugly Ducklings

Beautiful Swans from Ugly Ducklings

Beautiful Swans from Ugly Ducklings

Have you ever been told by another that they met someone that they really clicked with but were not quite physically attracted to them? They felt the person is everything they want – very nice, intelligent, and just the sweetest person ever – but they just don’t do it for them. So, they ask for your opinion, “should I let them go or tell them ‘Let’s just be friends’?” You then share your wisdom with them.

For you, you’ve learned to focus on the friendship aspect. Even if it doesn’t seem like it’s a romantic relationship, you’ve found it can be a wonderful friendship and may even grow into more than one could imagine. And it’s because you know that everyone needs that one person they can count on. Someone they can share their thoughts and experiences with. Someone they can laugh with. Someone they can share life with. It’s that “trusted friend” as the stoics call them. 

And by the way, you also know that many have been ugly ducklings in their early years but as they became older, they turned into beautiful swans. For you take to heart the words, “Love takes time, love is patient, and love is kind”.  And with those words, if you find someone that is great of mind, you hold onto them because you never know when your attraction for them may blossom, and you will have obtained a prize indeed. 

Now using My S-T-O-I-C STORYTELLING method:


(S) I connected with a great person, but I’m not attracted to them. What should I do?
(T) “Tranquility can’t be grasped except by those who have reached an unwavering and firm power of judgment — the rest constantly fall and rise in their decisions, wavering in a state of alternately rejecting and accepting things. What is the cause of this back and forth? It’s because nothing is clear and they rely on the most uncertain guide: common opinion.”  Seneca
“We walk by faith, not by sight.” Apostle Paul
(O) I decided to keep them in my life.
(I) I realized that just because I’m not currently attracted to someone physically, the attraction could grow by knowing them mentally.
(C) The character trait that I improved on was being open-minded, optimistic, and patient.

The Stoicess’ Secret?


Ugly ducklings become the Most beautiful Swans in the Mind of the beholder.